Memo to all elves:

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

(dumb blonde !)

Three women go to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Michigan and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, y’all ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

Comedian Dave Allen has died at the age of 68, his agent said.

The Irishman died in his sleep at his west London home.

Allen was a TV favourite with his shows Tonight With Dave Allen and Dave Allen At Large. He leaves a wife, Karin, and three children.

Allen's agent, Vivienne Clore, said the cause of death was unknown. The comic had not been suffering from any major illness.

Allen famously delivered his comedy routines sitting on a stool with a cigarette and drink in hand.

He was considered one of the first alternative comedians, telling risque jokes about sex and religion and making frequent use of the f-word.

Born David Tynan O'Mahoney in 1936, he grew up in Dublin and moved to Britain aged 21.

He became a Butlins Redcoat before making his TV debut on New Faces in 1959.

Several years on the stand-up circuit followed, including tours with the Beatles.

After appearing in his own show in Australia, he landed his first British TV series, Tonight With Dave Allen, in 1967 followed by The Dave Allen Show in 1968.

Pafl: nice one!

Great as humor, bad as ads...

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.


-------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------

A panda bear walks into a restaurant.
The waiter seats the panda bear and gives him a menu. The panda bear
orders a ton of food and then sits back happy. Later, the waiter comes over and brings him his bill.
The panda bear gets up and shoots the waiter with a gun.
As he's leaving the restaurant, the manager comes running after him and says, "I treated you well, fed you well, why did you shoot my waiter?
The panda bear says,
" Didn't you know that's what panda bears do?
The manager is dumbfounded and says "What are you talking about?"
The panda bear says,
" Go look up in an encyclopedia what panda bears do."
The manager gets an encyclopedia and looks up 'panda bears'. It says: Lives in Asia...eats shoots and leaves.

If he had money he would have called a tow truck and not pushed the car himself .

If his insurance wasn't up to date he might have been!

He most probably went to the lake, where he drank the whiskey!

A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see that he went through at work so one day when he saw a Pixie at the bottom of his garden he made a little wish:
“Little Pixie, I go to work everyday and work hard for eight hours while my wife just stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.”
His wish was granted.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He got up, cooked breakfast for his mate, woke the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches and then drove them to school. On the way home he picked up the dry cleaning and stopped at the bank to draw out some cash. Then he shopped for the groceries, drove home, put them away, paid a few bills and balanced the cheque book. He cleaned the cat’s litter tray and walked the dog.
It was already 1.00pm so he hurried home to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick the kids up and got into an argument with them on the way home. Then he gave them snacks and milk and got them organised to do their homework while he set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4.30pm he began peeling potatoes and washing salad vegetables, he breaded the pork chops and prepared fresh fruit for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen up. Filled up the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
By 9.00pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love (which he managed to do without any complaints!)
The next morning he awoke and immediately went down the garden to find the Pixie. He found him eventually, propped against a toadstool and he said to him
“I don’t know what I was thinking of. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Pixie grinned and replied
“I feel that you have learned your lesson and I’ll be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you’ll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night!"

Following this simple advice I finally found the inner peace that I'd been searching for. The article offering the advice simply said "Finish all the things you have started." So I looked around the house to find all the things I had started yet hadn't finished..... and before starting work this morning, I have finished of a bottle of Barcadi, a bottle of Red Wine, a bottle of the Best Scotch, my Prozac, a handful of Valium, a small box of chocolates, 2 litres of Foster's lager, a can of cider, a large Joint and a bit of Cheddar Cheese.

Ypou hvae no idreaa hwo booldy gerat I fleel rgihgt aobuut now...yuu myay wnat to psass tihs on to aynmoee yuio feele issn needof smome Inen Poeace

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot. Funeral services are pending.

Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other and they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems.
A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Please help?

LINK

This is slow to load but worth the wait.

A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
"Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
"He's decomposing."

That's Odd




And you thought odd things only happened to you? Here's some really odd stuff from all over the place. In some cases it really does make you wonder whether the inmates have taken over the asylum - you couldn't make it up - really!
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

Gettin' the wind up .... Margaret Waddicor and her friend, Babs Doswell (a sprightly 75 year old) went kite flying at Stoney Cross, in the New Forest, in England. Everything was going fine and their 6 foot stunt kite (bought the day before) was flying very well - too well in fact. a Sudden gust of wind tore the control from Miss Doswell's grip and the pair could do nothing other than look upward helplessly as the kite took off with a mind of its own.
Very disappointed, the pair made their way home to Colehill, 16 miles away. When they arrived they discovered that they had been beaten to it. Lodged firmly in a neighbours tree, awaiting their arrival, was the errant kite. It was a mystery as to how the kite had missed electricity pylons and a whole countryside full of other trees on its journey. Needless to say the pair were over the moon, which, for all anyone knows, was where the kite had been!


Troglodytes of the world unite .... When Mr. and Mrs Baker wanted to build an extension to their cottage in Staffordshire, UK, there was a problem. An ancient right of way ran just where the extension was going, and the local by-laws said it had to remain open. Their solution? Build a 40 foot long paved tunnel under the cottage with automatic lights for those evening ramblers.
The UK Ramblers Association is more than pleased with the arrangement. "We have never heard of a project like this before", said the RA's deputy Director. As for the Bakers, the previously derelict cottage, bought at auction for £28,000 ($46,000) is now worth some £175,000 ($300,000).


Officialdom States-side ....
In one year the Pentagon can expect to be successfully hacked 161,000 times.
The Pentagon has also managed to 'loose' all but 36 of the 200 pages of the official record of the gulf War.
The CIA failed to predict the breakup of the USSR despite a budget of $2 billion a year spent monitoring the former Soviet Union.
The FBI spent years filming a CIA agent making regular visits to the former Soviet embassy with bulging files in his possession, and exiting empty handed. Despite knowing the CIA were hunting a mole in their organisation, the FBI never quite put two and two together.
The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Dept. recently released 23 prisoners, some of them dangerous, by mistake. The excuse - a clerical error!
And finally. Milwaukee Sheriff's Deputies, training dogs to sniff out explosives at the airport, hid a packet of the stuff which the dogs failed to find. Unfortunately they forgot where they'd hidden it and so the explosive is still waiting to be unearthed. This was the second time they mis-laid explosives at the airport.

Chinese translations of some popular film titles ....
"The Full Monty" - Six Stripped Warriors
"As Good As It Gets" - Mr. Cat Poop
"The English Patient" - Do Not Ask Me Who I Am, Ever
"Face Off" - Two Heroes Stealing Each Others Faces
Snappy eh?.

God on the brain ....Recent advances in brain mapping at the University of California have discovered an area near the temporal lobe which when stimulated produces intenses feelings of spiritual transcendence. An interesting thought is that, if God exists, it's not unreasonable to think he might have in-built a biological mechanism for us to comprehend him.

A vacuum between the ears ....A PhD student from the laboratory of Musical Acoustics in Paris has identified what makes the sound of a vacuum cleaner intolerable or acceptable. She recorded 26 vacuum cleaners and played the results to 56 volunteers. Her findings? That loud vacuum cleaners are less popular than quiet ones..

Squishy or what ....Each August, the Spanish town of Buñol in Valencia celebrates in Tomatina festival. The 2 hour festival, which dates form 1945, involves residents and tourists throwing more than 100 tons of tomatoes at each other, until everyone in the town's plaza is ankle deep in tomato puree.

The bathing season .... In Japan holidays are often taken for the express purpose of having a bath. At natural hot springs resorts (onsen) washing is a serious business invloving vigorous scrub-downs before a long soak in the onsen. Between April 1996 and march 1997 143 million people visited the spa town inns; Japan's population is 125 million.

Give me a ring .... European tourist centres, concerned about crime against foreign visitors, note that tourists themselves are not always entirely innocent. A recurrent theme in local newspapers is of tourists stealing bells from the cows.
And the rest ....


From the Cape Cod Chronicle - "The Rose Book Shop is looking for artists to expose themselves on the walls of the shop"..

A sign by the car park of a Glasgow shopping centre, "Parking for one million cars - 750 at a time".


A selection of wise sayings from the airline pilot's magazine, "The Log":

Don't believe in miracles - rely on them
A bird in the hand is safer than one in the engine
If you explain it so clearly that no-one could misunderstand, somebody will.

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes.
They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the centre is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle.
When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes,
"What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture explains,
"Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.
The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

1-post it through ur neighbours door at 2am in the morning shouting out "ITS CHRRRIIISSSSTTTMMAAASSSSSSS" ALSO IF U WAIT TILL MARCH IT WILL BE FUNNIER

2- TIE UP A LOCAL MP PUT HIM ON THE TREE AND SET FIRE TO HIM.....

3-SIT THERE PLAYING SHE LOVES ME SHE LOVES ME NOT WITH THE LEAVES IT'LL HELP PASS THE TIME BETWEEN EACH MEDICATION DOSE

4-GRIND IT DOWN AND FEED IT TO UR DOG

5-SPRAY IT ORANGE WITH BLUE SPOTS SELL IT FOR £1 MILLION and WIN THE TURNER PRIZE

6-GRIND IT DOWN AND SELL IT TO A VEGETARIAN AS A NEW TYPE OF SALAD

7-SEE HOW MANY TOOTHPICKS U CAN MAKE FROM IT

8-PLANT IT IN YOUR NEIGHBOURS GARDEN!!!RIGHT BY THE DOOR SO THEY CANT GET OUT

9-GIVE IT TO UR GIRLFRIEND AS A VALENTINES GIFT

10- CARVE AN ELABORATE SANTA TRAP FROM IT AND CATCH THE JOLLY RED MAN IN A SNARE THEN SHOOT HIM AND SELL HIS CARCASS TO MCDONALDS .

People do the strangest things! Here's a few blunders, snafus and bungles from around the world which amply illustrates Murphy's Law. But consider this: don't laugh too hard, it could be you next!
If anything can go wrong, it will - Murphy's Law

A plane load of passengers flying from Manchester to London (UK) with British Airways got an unexpected bargain. The cabin crew on the walk-on shuttle forgot to collect the fares, and B.A. lost £5265 worth of tickets. By the time the mistake had been realised, the 130 passengers had left the airport.

When people complained about an overgrown garden in Akron, Ohio, USA, the council sent men to cut down the weeds. This proved to be a mistake as the householder, a vegetarian, had been growing the weeds as food. A judge later awarded him $1000 compensation, at the council's expense.

In Mozambique some workers, who were building an extension to a hospital, knocked a hole in a wall. They discovered a £50,000 fully-equipped maternity ward which had been walled up by accident and forgetten about by the hospital authorities.

During the Peruvian Air Force Week in 1975, 30 fighter planes took part in a demonstration of their prowess. Fourteen old fishing boats had been towed out to sea for targets. The boats were bombed and straffed for the next 15 minutes. However, to the amazement of the crowd, and the embarrassment of the officials, at the end of the display, not one boat had been hit.

The novelist, John Buchan, was proud to be presented to King George V in 1935. He was even prouder when, during a later conversation, the King mentioned how much he enjoyed Buchan's books, particularly 'The 39 Steps'. Later when Queen Mary was talking to the novelist, she said, "The King does not get much time for reading, but when he does he reads the most awful rubbish".

Nancy Reagan, wife of the American President Ronald Reagan, thought she had every detail down for a visit by the Queen of England to the White House. Every detail but one that is. As the Queen and the President moved on to the dance floor, the orchestra played, "The Lady Is A Tramp".

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music !!!!"

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.


Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest bra nch of the tree. The next day, after eating some mor! e dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson - Bull s**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.


Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson -

(1) Not everyone who s**** on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep s***, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends your two minute management course.

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
Bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot,
and out came: "Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if
we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know.
"Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face,
cleared his throat, the little parrot sang out loudly (like it
was the performance of his life):
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

How Come
...


It's not the falling that hurts... it's the hitting the ground!
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts!
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges did not live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.
I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been
dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the
water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
furious!
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special
Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and said:
"Tell me about some of the tourists who were here last year."
All trees are male, yup they’re all hard and woody.
Oh yes, math is REAL interesting. What's so interesting about x? Why is it
x you always x you have to find? Why find a letter? Can't we find a
number for once? "Find the letter value of 13" instead of "Find the number
value of x."
PE is fun. No really! It’s fun getting pushed, shoved, beat up, scraped.
Well, nobody’s perfect.
I’m great in English. Gee I can't even spell FUTUR! Futcher. Fucher.
Futer. Hell, after now. (for the idiots who really don't know it’s
future)
The purpose of beds are not to sleep on. No it’s to cram all the stuff you
can under them. Sleeping on them is only a coincidence.
If people truly believe in God, why don’t they believe "the way God made us"
is nude?
What's the point of parents? All they ever do is yell at you and hit you
and scream that it’s not right to light the cat on fire?
Yup, teachers are cruel that way. But you shouldn’t hit, tug, kick, bite,
tap, or throw spit-balls at the teachers. Do it to the person in front of
you.
What’s the point of teachers if they know less than you?
Cows should be the cleanest animals on earth. Well, soap does come from
them.
Man invented the wheel after many unsuccessful tries with a pizza.
Only the idiot likes school.
Sure science if fun. What's so fun about rocks again?
The way I live: stay up till midnight, sleep until noon.
Test: Stress maker
Stress: can kill you.
Tests can kill you
The best way to see a shark: swim out to ocean and cut yourself.
The best way to get attacked by a shark: swim out to ocean and cut yourself.
The best way to tease a shark: go on to a dock, cut yourself, and bleed into
the water.
Never hand catch a piranha!
How was I supposed to know gasoline didn’t put out fires?
The only person you can complain to, that cares, is yourself.
Now, did a car run over your cat or did a cat run under your car?
Oh, well same thing.
Would it be ununderstandable, or derstandable? I think it would be
derstandable, don’t you?
Never sneak up behind a female Mountain Lion and her cubs while they are
sleeping, and yell as loud as you can "BOO!!!!!!" Poor, poor Ryan, if only
he’d known.
If it’s snowing out, don’t strip, then go outside.
"Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours." said the P.A. system. I
grabed a desk and hurled it at the speaker, yelling wildly. You see I’ve
had to live with these for the past few months. I just, just lost it.
A conscious bear is not a toy.
"If you put a microphone to your ear you can hear yourself hear," said the
babbling idiot.
Tell someone your cats a small dog and get them to bathe it for you.
If your a dog and you hear someone say they are good with animals and he
goes to pet you, I think a good joke, is to bite him.
Weekends are bad. Why? Well they always turn into Mondays!

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession.

The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"

The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, right on the elephants foot. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000.

Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no."

Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail.

Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?"

The elephant nods yes.

The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?"

The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book - 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.

The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."
The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."
The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."
The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 90s"
Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"
The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"
And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"

A man was standing in the middle of a road with a box of elephant powder in his hands. He was spreading it all over the road when a policeman walked up to him.

POLICEMAN: What are you doing?

MAN: Spreading elephant powder around.

POLICEMAN: There are no elephants round here!

MAN: Well, it must be good stuff then!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day in the jungle there was a football match between the elephants and the insects. By half-time the elephants were winning 39-0.

Then in the second half a centipede came on - he was a brilliant player. By the end of the match the score was 46-39 to the insects.

As they were leaving the field the captain of the elephants said,

'What puzzles me is, why didn't you play that centipede in the first half?' 'We would have', said the captain of the insects.

"The only trouble is, it takes him an hour to get his boots on...'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once there was a man leading an elephant. A lady said to him:

'Where are you going with that elephant?'

The man said, I'm taking him to the zoo'.

The next day the lady saw the man still leading the elephant.

'I thought you took him to the zoor, she said.

'I did take him - today I'm taking him to the cinema.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lion was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing.

The lion roared, *Who is the king of the jungle?' and the deer replied,'Oh, you are, master.'

The lion walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The lion roared, 'Who is the king of the jungle?' and the zebra replied, 'Oh, you are, master.'

The lion walked off pleased. Then he came across an elephant 'Who is the king of the jungle?' he roared.

With that the elephant threw the lion across a tree and jumped on him. The lion scraped himself up off the ground and said, 'Okay, okay, there's no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the man who saw a gardener pushing a wheelbarrow full of elephant manure?

'What are you going to do with that?', he asked.

'Put it on my gooseberries', the gardener said. 'Oh,' said the man, 'I usually put custard on mine.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the man who took an elephant to the cinema?

The manager expected it to go on the rampage, but it didn't. Afterwards he said to the man, I am really surprised; your elephant was very quiet and actually seemed to enjoy the film.'

'Yes,' said the man, 'I was surprised, too: he hadn't enjoyed the book.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A party trekking along a jungle path found their way blocked by an elephant who was sitting down and would not move.

They cut a path around him, but a little later there was another elephant sitting down, and another path had to be cut.

The party leader protested: 'I don't think it's funny to find elephants in our way.'

'And we,' replied the elephant, 'don't think it's funny to be disturbed when we are playing book-ends!'


A man was standing at the customs office with a large crate. 'Anything to declare? Jewellery?

Alcohol? Livestock, etc?' 'Nothing', replied the man.

They opened the crate, and there was an elephant with two slices of bread, one in each ear!

'I thought you said no livestock!' said the customs officer.

The man looked at him with an honest expression and replied: What's it to you what I have in my sandwiches?!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A small girl visits the zoo for the first time. Afterwards, she says to her mother,
'I saw the elephants.

What do you think they were doing?

Picking up peanuts with their vacuum cleaners.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Twenty elephants were standing in single file, all facing the same way.

How many of them could say, My trunk is touching another elephant's tail?'

None: elephants can't speak!

Where To Place Prospective Job Applicants



Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a
room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours,
without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they
are doing.

If they have taken the table apart,
put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud,
send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs,
Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor,
perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs,
put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,
Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping,
they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience,
send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room,
assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks,
send them to Marketing.

Having seen it I can say I agree with whoever it was about the heart attacks!

Very funny, Luis!

Little Birds

Do you know someone who seems to know everything?

When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me."



Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly.

Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken.



They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend.

This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?"

Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.

Unusual order

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, -

"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Waiter, waiter! There's a dead spider in my soup.
Yes, ma'am, they can't stand the boiling water.



Waiter, waiter! There's a spider in my soup. Send for the manager! It's no good, sir, he's frightened of them, too.



Waiter, waiter! What's this creepy crawly thing doing in my dinner?
Oh, that one ? he comes here every night.



Why do waiters prefer elephants to flies?
Have you ever heard anyone complaining of a elephant in their soup? .



What will a monster eat in a restaurant?
The waiter.



Waiter, waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?
The butterfly stroke by the look of it sir.



Waiter, waiter, there's a bird in my soup.
That's all right, sir. It's bird'nest soup.

Halloween Two-Liners



Do witches stay home on weekends?
No. They go away for a spell.

How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches.

How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.

How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"

How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
By blood vessels.

How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away her "W".

How does a monster count to 21?
On his fingers.

How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.

Mommy, Mommy, the kids all call me a werewolf.
Never mind, dear, now go and comb your face.

Mother vampire to son:
Hurry up and eat your breakfast before it clots.

What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and
divide it by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.

What are a vampire's favorite snacks?
Adam's apples and nectarines.

What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I'd like to get to gnaw you.

What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!"

What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."

What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
"You are driving me batty."

What do baseball players do on Halloween?
They practice pitchcraft.

What do ghouls order at McMonsters?
Handburgers.

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.

What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.

What do you get if you cross a vampire bat and a mummy?
A flying band-aid, or a gift-wrapped bat.

What do you use to repair a Jack O' Lantern?
A pumpkin patch.

What do you say to a 2-headed monster?
Hello, hello.

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.

What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops!

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.

What goes "Oob, oob!"
A witch in reverse.

What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle?
She got spaced out.

What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.

What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.

What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
You hear the broom boom.

What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.

What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
You'd get a harewolf.

What is a zombie's favorite dessert?
Ladyfingers.

What is Dracula's favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving!

What is a ghost's favorite food?
Boo-loney sandwich.

What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
An amoeboo!

What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A Bloodhound!

What kind of math did the monster student do best?
Scare root.

What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?"

What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one.

What type of music do ghosts prefer?
Spirituals, of course.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

What would you get if you crossed a wolf with a polyester jacket?
A wash-and-wearwolf.

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.

What's soft, moldy and flies?
A spoiled bat.

What's a mummy's favorite music?
Ragtime.

What's a ghoul's favorite game?
Hide-And-Go-Shriek!

What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
Ghost toasties with booberries.

What's the best place for a mirror?
In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

When a witch lands, where does she park?
In a broom closet.

Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
In a red bloodcell!

Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals?
At the blood bank.

Where do monsters go for sunset sails?
Lake Eee-rie.

Where can you see a real ugly monster?
In the mirror.

Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.

Where do you take a ghost who's backed into a lawn mower?
To a liquor store. That's where they retail spirits.

Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
"Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."

Who has a broom and flies?
A jelly-covered janitor.

Why are so few ghosts arrested?
It's hard to pin anything on them.

Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.

Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat.

Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be BAT boy!

Why did the monster eat the caboose?
The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."

Why didn't Dracula get married?
He never met a nice Ghoul!

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!

Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.

Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.

Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.

Why don't skeletons ski?
They don't have the guts.

Humor Banned On The Net
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Washington DC
April 1, 1999

Today, the United States Congress passed new legislation related to the CDA bill. Effective immediately, "no postings of a humorous or amusing nature may be transmitted electronically via the Internet, bulletin boards, FAX or any other means of electronic communications."

According to Congressional spokesperson Ima Dredge, "We have confiscated names from so-called 'joke list maintainers' and those who post alleged humorous material, or even read alleged humour on Internet newsgroups." Ms. Dredge continued, "Idiotic humor has no place in cyberspace; that is reserved for politicians in Washington. Those clowns have the audacity to think they have some sort of right to freedom of speech, without repercussions. The Internet must be returned to the serious, listless place it once was. We have authorized the military to hunt down and delete anyone who has posted or read anything that might be considered funny."

It has been reported throughout the US that military special forces squads have been conducting raids, dubbed 'Operation NoJoke,' throughout the day. General Darth Slader, in charge of 'user delete' operations, admitted, "Sure, I like a good belly-laugh as much as the next guy, but Congress says it's illegal now when mixed with computers. So, we've got a job to do." The General added, "This is sure a hellofa lot easier than trying to take out guys with weapons. Just a bunch of computer geeks; like shooting fish in a barrel. We've developed 'Smart Oriented Bombs' (SOB) which can be sent through e-mail to suspected jokers; got the idea from the Unabomber. When they pick up their mail, their modem explodes, taking out the system, and hopefully the user. Neat, clean and untraceable."

Local authorities have reported a rash of exploding computers and military raids. It appears joke-list providers have been especially hard hit, but more cases of average joke readers are beginning to surface. Several renegade jokesters have moved underground and been able to avoid the military slaughter. You may receive this notice before it's too late.

DO NOT read any jokes from the Internet! If someone tries to tell you a joke, just say NO. If someone asks you "Why did the chicken cross the road?" reply that you don't know -- it's a trick question. Delete any humorous material from your computer and backups. Do not laugh, or even smile while sitting at your computer. Remember, there may be an SOB with your name on it.

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an
obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put
everyone into a good mood as he served them food
and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing
down the aisle and announced to the passengers,
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll
be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people,
so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-
dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a
muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big
brute engines. I asked you to raise your tray so
the main man can put us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country,
I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing
a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called
a Queen so I outrank you....Tray-up, bitch."

Robinson Crusoe style, the shipwrecked golfer made the best of
his tiny island. When a cruise liner spotted his distress signals and
sent a boat to investigate, the landing party was amazed to find a crude
but recognizable nine-hole course which the castaway had played with
driftwood woods, whalebone and coral putter and balls carved out of
pumice stone.
"Quite a layout," said the officer to in charge of the rescuers.
"Too kind, it's very rough and ready," the goatskin-clad golfer
responded. Then he smiled slyly: "I am however, quite proud of the water
hazard."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pol itically correct terms for cat owners

- My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
- My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.
- My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
- My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of
food.
- My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.
- My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
- My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
- My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.
- My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.
- My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
- My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
- My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
- My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate
moisture.
- My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.
- My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination
(which should always be the food bowl)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

C heap

After just one year of marriage,Jane filed for divorce.

A friend, trying to console her said that you never know
what a man's like until you live with him.

"I should have left him right after the honeymoon.Not only
did he not take me to Niagara Falls like he promised -
all we did was drive through a car wash twice, real slow"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three goobers, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were walking home late one night and
found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave. Bless
his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says
here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145
years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and
exclaims, " Miles from Georgia"

Dieting Rules



1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no
calories.

2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you
don't eat more than they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count.
ex. hot chocolate, brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the
entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
ex. milk duds, buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie
causes calorie leakage.

8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not
strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie
counter.

9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives
and spoons have no calories.
ex. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a spoon

10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are
spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.
Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Diet Which Helps You Cope With Stress



This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during
the day.

Breakfast:
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
l cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Remember: Stressed Spelled Backwards Is Desserts.

Diets



A diet is a weigh of life.

It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we
don't gain weight.

A diet is what you go on when not only can't you fit into the store's
dresses, you can't fit into the dressing room.

One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you're thin, don't
eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat... fast.

The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive
in window of McDonalds.

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.

The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.

Above all, dieters are advised to avoid Pepsi, the pause that refleshes.

Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.

are for people who are thick and tired of it.

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what
other people eat.

are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.

A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.

It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the
seconds.

Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to become a bargain.

The best way to lose weight is by skipping... snacks and dessert.

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two... alone.

People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens.

A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead
of its blessings.

Definitions From A Woman's Perspective
Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus... breath...push... Good Girl!"

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
Similar to a black hole in space... if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also
"tranquilizers."

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n.
The number of times you ask someone male to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dogs Compared To Men


Why Dogs Are Better Than Men


Dogs miss you when you're gone.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you--- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.

Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can house train a dog.

You can force a dog to take a bath.

Dogs don't correct your stories.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.

Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.

Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs take care of their own needs.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Dogs are nice to your relatives.



How Dogs And Men Are The Same


Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both like to chew wood.

Both mark their territory.

Both are bad at asking you questions.

Neither tells you what's bothering them.

Both tend to smell riper with age.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Neither does any dishes.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

Neither understands what you see in cats.



Why Men Are Better Than Dogs


Men only have two feet to track in mud.

Men can buy you presents.

Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.

Men are a little bit more subtle.

Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.

Men open their own cans.

Dogs have dog breath all the time.

Men can do math stuff.

Restaurants allow men.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What Men Mean When They Say...
"I'm going fishing."
really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Woman driver."
really means..."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"It's a guy thing."
really means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
really means..."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
really means...Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Have you lost weight?'
really means..."I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"It would take too long to explain."
really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"I got a lot done."
really means..."I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
really means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
really means..."I wonder if the lawn needs mowing today."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
really means..."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
really means..."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
really means..."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
really means..."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
really means..."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"You know how bad my memory is."
really means..."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers on every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
really means..."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Hey I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
really means..."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
really means..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?'
really means..."What did you catch me at?"

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
really means..."I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
really means..."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
really means..."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
really means..."No one will ever see us alive again."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
really means..."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed
help."

"I broke up with her."
really means..."She dumped me."

What do you call an American drawing?
A Yankee Doodle.



Why is the silkworm not raised in America?
Because Americans get silk from the rayon which is larger and gives more silk.



Where do American ghosts go on holiday?
Lake Eerie.



What happened when two American stoats got married?
They became the United Stoats of America



Where does an American cow come from?
Moo York.



Who rides a dog and was a Confederate general during the American Civil War?
Robert E. Flea.



"Where's your pencil, Bud?" the teacher asked an American boy who had just come to school in Britain.
"I ain't got one, Sir."
"You're in England.now, Bud. Not ain't, haven't. I haven't got a pencil. You haven't got a pencil. They haven't got a pencil."
"Gee!" said Bud. "Pop said things were tough in this country, but I didn't know pencils were so hard to come by."



An American tourist was visiting a quaint country village, and got talking to an old man in the local pub. "And have you lived here all your life, Sir?" asked the American.
"Not yet, m'dear," said the villager wisely.



What's an American cat's favorite car?
A Catillac.



Why are American schoolchildren extremely healthy?
Because they have a good constitution.



Two neighbours were having a chat across the garden fence.
"My son's learning to play football," said one.
"Oh, really," said the other. "What position does he play?"
"The coach says he's a drawback."



A huge American car screeched to a halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a local inhabitant,
"Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's birthplace?"
"Ay, straight on, sir," said the rustic, "but no need to hurry. He's dead."



An Irishman joined the American Air Force and was making his first parachute jump. The instructor said,
"When you jump out of the plane, shout Geronimo and pull the ripcord."
When the Irishman woke up in hospital a few days later the first thing he said was, "What was the name of that Indian again?"

ONE POINT DARES. 1 - Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2 - Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time -.
3 - Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4 - Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5 - To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head
6 - When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".
7 - Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
8 - Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9 - While riding an lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open


THREE-POINTS DARES
1 - Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2 - Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask,"Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
3 - Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice -.
4 - Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight -.
5 - Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES
1 - At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself -.
2 - Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3 - For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4 - Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
5 - After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent - As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one
hour.
6 - While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
7 - In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".
8 - At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce,"As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9 - In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10 - Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".
11 - Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12 - Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why,say, "I can't talk about it".
13 - Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14 - Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig,etc - during a very important conference call.
15 - Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16 - Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17 - Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
18 - During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19 - Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

"Teenagers and Cats"

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know
why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by
name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane
efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting
on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human
being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right
mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you
teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end
without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating
that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to
return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your
bedroom.

Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise
teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but
veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at
hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do
not make any sudden moves in their direction.

When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some
affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all
concerned.

~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The
cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time
with his cymbal clash.

The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect
and that he wouldn't play it as written.

The Music Director told him he either had to play the piece as written,
or he would be kicked off the band. The young man refused, and the
Music Director had no choice but to kick him off the band.

Late, the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he had kicked
the young musician off the band.

He replied, "It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dear Valued Customer.....

Due to dramatic increases in our overhead costs, we are obliged to
charge you for our general support services from this point forward.

Our new price list is as follows:

Simple answers $ 3.00

Answers which need some thought $ 7.00

Honest answers $ 12.00

And, for services we find ourselves performing even more frequently:

Answers to dumb and unnecessary questions $ 20.00

We cannot keep our standard reactions free any longer:

Shrug $ 1.00

Look dumb $ 2.00

Look very dumb $ 5.00

Get the boss $ 15.00

The one price that remains unchanged:

Ignore you completely - Free



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

In a department store, a difficult customer and a
patient clerk were having a hard time getting
together. Nothing the clerk provided was suitable.

Finally, the finicky shopper said in annoyance, "Can't
you find a smarter clerk to serve me?"

"No," said the saleswoman. "The smarter clerk saw you
coming and disappeared."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coffee?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You're in charge of the cooking around here and you
should do it, because that's your job. I can just wait for my coffee."

The wife replied, "No you should do it, and besides it's in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."

The husband replied, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she grabbed her Bible, and opened to the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed said:
~~~

~~~ ~~~~~

HEBREWS ~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out
marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing.
They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we
found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........

we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmellows on them!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Kinda Marine...
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by
a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper
tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try
to calm him down the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the
seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps
uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the
flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine
leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the
boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and
quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous applause. As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his
seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, sir," she ask quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words
you used on that little boy?"

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's
wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they
entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I
choose, and that I was just about to make my selection for this flight..!

Bricklayers Letter



Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.
In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning"
as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I needed to
explain things better, I trust the following statement will suffice.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the morning of June 10th, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I
discovered that I had about 500 lbs. of bricks left over. Rather than carry
the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a
pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the
sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel over, and loaded the 500 lbs. of bricks in it. Then I went back to
the ground, and untied the rope. I held it tightly to insure a slow descent
of all 500 lbs. You will note in block number eleven of the report form
that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to the surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind, and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded up the side of the building at a rather rapid rate.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This
explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time, I had regained my presence of mind, and was
able to hold onto the rope, as not to fall despite the pain.

At approximately the same time, the barrel of bricks hit the ground,
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the bricks, the barrel now
weighed about 50 lbs.

I refer again to block eleven, my weight is 135 lbs. As you may
imagine I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the 3 fractured ankles, and the numerous lacerations on my
legs.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen the impact
onto the pile of bricks on the ground, and to my surprise, only 3 vertebrae
were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however that as I lay there on the bricks, unable
to move, and looking at the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost
my presence of mind...

I let go of the rope.

Yours Truly,

Brick Layer

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO
ROOM TEMPERATURE
BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED
PORTION LIKE
A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.


13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.


16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.


19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.


20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

The Dam Letter--- A Michigan Farmer Pokes Fun At Bureacrats



This was an actual letter from and a reply to the Michigan Department of
Environmental Quality, State of Michigan:

Mr. Ryan De Vries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that
there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above-referenced parcel
of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and
maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and
cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized
activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream
channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,
1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a
follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply
with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may
result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division



RESPONSE

Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20, Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.
You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you
neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send
them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor
at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of
beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and
maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring
Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervised their dam project,
I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of
natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your
department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place
you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever
match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity,
their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first
must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against
my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this
State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against
these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request
completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have
been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part
301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101
to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled
to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute
and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to
provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either
one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding
is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required
to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please
contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously
did not pay any attention to your dam letter -- being unable to read
English) -- be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am
not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with
these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers -- be aware I am
sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam
Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and
truly will not permit their existence in this State -- I seriously hope you
are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the
Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy
Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental
Protection lives to its name, it should protect the natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred
for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98?
The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no
way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental
quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually
defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the
defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to
investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful
where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact
you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office via another government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, someday,
it will get there.

Sincerely,

Stephen L. Tvedten

cc: PETA

FBI Ordering Pizzas Story



The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and
International Studies report on Global Organized Crime; the author who
introduces the story swears it's true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was
under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing
thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an
appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza
parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI
because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of
soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front
doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the
back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember
to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the
rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

Click.

English Lauguage "Signs" Abroad

1. Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
2. At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
3. Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES
4. Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
5. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF
6. Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR
7. Sign in mens rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT
8. In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
9. On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
10. On a highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
11. On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP
12. In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
13. A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS
14. In A Maternity Ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED
15. In A Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES
16. Tokyo Hotels Rules And Regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED
17. On The Menu Of A Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
18. In A Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS
19. In A Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
20. Hotel Room Notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM
21. Hotel Brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
22. Hotel Lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE
23. Hotel Elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK
24. Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
25. Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
26. Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF- SERVICE
27. Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
28. Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
29. An Advertisement By A Hong Kong Dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS
30. A Laundry In Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
31. Tourist Agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
32. Advertisement For Donkey Rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
33. Airline Ticket Office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
34. On The Door Of A Moscow Hotel Room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT
35. On The Menu In Lagos Airport Restaurant:
TERMINAL SOUP