skipinnz: Now that is a bad hair day!

Doctor calls a patient:
"I've got bad news and worst news. Which do you want first?"
"Jeez doc, give me the bad news first"
"You've only got 24 hours to live"
"My God, if that's the bad news, what could be worst than that?"
"I've been trying to reach you since yesterday".

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.

He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

...I'm 1/2 irish,so I guess I can get away with sharing:
Q : whats long & green & has an IQ of 65?
A : the st.patrick's day parade.

Q : what happened when st.partick quit drinking?
A : he got the shamrock shakes.

just kidding..in honour of st.patrick's day,I wonder if there are any celtic goddesses?

Nirvana: ty for the info,I used to like dave allen>I always preferrred UK comedy.it has more wit than the american slapstick.

Comedian Dave Allen has died at the age of 68, his agent said.

The Irishman died in his sleep at his west London home.

Allen was a TV favourite with his shows Tonight With Dave Allen and Dave Allen At Large. He leaves a wife, Karin, and three children.

Allen's agent, Vivienne Clore, said the cause of death was unknown. The comic had not been suffering from any major illness.

Allen famously delivered his comedy routines sitting on a stool with a cigarette and drink in hand.

He was considered one of the first alternative comedians, telling risque jokes about sex and religion and making frequent use of the f-word.

Born David Tynan O'Mahoney in 1936, he grew up in Dublin and moved to Britain aged 21.

He became a Butlins Redcoat before making his TV debut on New Faces in 1959.

Several years on the stand-up circuit followed, including tours with the Beatles.

After appearing in his own show in Australia, he landed his first British TV series, Tonight With Dave Allen, in 1967 followed by The Dave Allen Show in 1968.

very funny

skipinnz: THAT was funny!!!!

Father O'Malley walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"

"Sure, Father, and who wouldn't?" was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father O'Malley walked up to Murphy and said, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "C'mon lad... I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to Heaven?"

Murphy said, "Oh, when I die, yes. Sure, I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

BBW i liked that, was hilarious

http://www.mamarocks.com/cow_wisdom.htm

luved the jokes dudes!

I posted this awhile back - one of my favorite jokes, so I'll repost it again!

= = = = = = = = = = =

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
6:00 pm - OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!
6:30 pm - OH BOY! SLEEPING IN MY PEOPLES BED! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY

Day 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time.

What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

"A closed mouth gathers no feet."

"No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes."

"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."

"Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator."

"I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom."

...jokes by subject..catagorized:
http://humorvault.tripod.com/index.html

...jokes by subject..catagorized:
http://humorvault.tripod.com/index.html

I loved especially the 11th and 13th one...thanks for a great laugh, Sky...

Ditto, those are funny!!!

harley:Glad you liked it.

hilarious, Skyking!!!!!

These are actual notes left for the Milkman






"Dear Milkman,
I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

***
"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."

***

"Please don't leave any more milk.
All they do is drink it."

***

"Sorry not to have paid your bill before,
but my wife had a baby, and I've been carrying it
around in my pocket for weeks."



"Sorry about yesterday's note.
I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints,
but the other way 'round."

***

"When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom
window and wake me because
I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress."

***

"Please knock. My TV's broken down, and I missed
last night's SOPRANOS.
If you saw it, will you tell me what happened?"



"My daughter says she wants a milkshake.
Do you do it before you
deliver, or do I have to shake the bottle?"

***

"Please send me a form for cheap milk,
for I have a baby two months old and
did not know about it until a neighbor told me."

***

"Milk is needed for the baby.
Father is unable to supply it."

***

"From now on please leave two pints every other day and
one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays
and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."



"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge,
get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on
kitchen table, because we want to play
bingo tonight."

***

"Please leave no milk today. When I say today,
I mean tomorrow, for I
wrote this note yesterday...or is it today ?"

***

"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler,
let dog out, and put newspaper inside the screen door.
P.S. Don't leave any milk."

***

"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either
as he is dead until further notice."

Bebs: www.gotlaughs.com

www.flowgo.com

This is me when I was younger.


http://www.geocities.com/johnniemccoy/monkeybutt.mpg

Mindy: what?

Bebs: That was a cute riddle,Bebs =0)

http://www.gizoogle.com/index.php?hl=en&criterion=www.brainking.com

gotta go

ScarletRose: yep thats right, the ansewr is 'NOTHING'.

FriendJosh: NOTHING comes to my mind either.. hehe

FriendJosh: want me to tell you the anser (sorry cant spell anser.)

Bebs: give up?

Bebs: nothing comes to mind...

this is a riddle- poor people have this,rich people need it,it is greater than god,it is worser than a devil,it has 7 letters. what is my riddle?

Hrqls: Yep! Hrqls.. you got it right..

13211311123113112211,

1113122113311
2132113212221,

3113112221232112111312211312
113211,

13211321321112131221123113112221131
11221131221,

111312211312111312311211131122
21121321132132211331222113112211,

311311222
1131112311311121321123113213221121113122113121
11322212311322113212221,

132113213221133112132113311211131221121321131
2111322211231131122211311123113321112132113222
11312113211,

Whew.. getting tough now.. hehe can't see the whole line at once.. LOL


:)

hey! you didnt even check all answers ..i am sure i made a mistake somewhere ... my fingers always type something different than what my mind means ;)

hehehe.. you all knew the pattern.. good for you!

followed by 1113122113121113123112111311222112132113213221133
1222113112211

... followed by 1321132132111213122112311311222113111221131221

followed by 3113112221232112111312211312113211. ;-)

followed by 11131221133112132113212221

13211311123113112211

1, 11, 21, 1211, 111221, 312211, 13112221,
1113213211, 31131211131221...
What is the next number following this pattern??

:)

Ok, now how's got a better puzzle? ;-)

Thad: the rose is the center dot on the die.. the only dice that have that center point.. are the 1, 3 and 5.. the one has no petals meaning outter dots.. the 3 has two, and the 5 has four.. you simply add all the petals in the roll.

So.. for instance if you roll a 6, 6, 3, 2, 5 you would have 6 petals..
A roll of 1, 2, 2, 5, 5.. would = 8 petals..
A roll of 3, 3, 1, 3, 5.. would = 10 petals..

Ok, ScarletRose, tell us how it works!

Thad: whoo hoo.. I got it.. only took me about 20 rolls to figure it out.. lol

that wasn't too hard

I have figured it out, but I will not post it here for anyone else interested in trying to solve it. PM me if you want the answer.

:-)