All truth goes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Then, it is violently opposed. Finally, it is accepted as self-evident.

I bought a dog the other day and named him Stay. It was fun to call him. Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay...Finally he went insane.

Give a jackass an education, you end up with a smart*ss

Give a man a fish and you can feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish then you can sell him tackle.

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

I read a report that said the typical symptoms of stress were eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Who are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

A new study has found that licking a frog cures depression. But there is a down side, when you stop licking a frog it gets depressed again.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving..

Thad:
What do you think I'm making these up.
Of course we all read them from somewhere.

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "I think it's a wonderful gesture."

"We hadn't started eating yet."

INVENTORAMF: That one was in this month's Reader's Digest. ;-)

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper.

"This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page was a photo of the 'supposedly' ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

"Wow," he said. "Think of the score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left.

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."

The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."

skipinnz: good one! sadly true too!

http://users.eastlink.ca/~smclea/boatpics/boat37.jpg
http://www.wakeworld.com/WWImages/articles/2004/insurance1.jpg

skipinnz:

I certainly will

Backoff: Well you should read all the jokes posted on the other boards

"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and hell, we're not using it anymore."

"I finished the Oreo's."

"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"

"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

"Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Get your *own* ice cream."

"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

"Got milk ?"

"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

"Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

"Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!"

"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

INVENTORAMF: Keep 'em coming I get a giggle out of them LOL

ScarletRose:

Hey some of my jokes might be a little corny but you have to admit...at least they're clean jokes.

One fine day, Jim and Bill are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bill, come here; I've got some trouble down here."

Bill comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Jim? Everything OK?"

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can't get out of here with a 7."

INVENTORAMF: hahaha

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused... told me I was crazy. But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 of an inch shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans. "So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg." He just looked at me and said, "I, stand corrected."

What do you get if you cross a Kangaroo with a Sheep?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A woolly jumper!!!!!

Why do Koala's carry their babies on their backs?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because it is really really hard to push a pram up a tree! @

Old Tree
We have an old tree that became diseased and was
losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant
and called a tree surgeon.

The communication was mangled and when the surgeon
arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street.

He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried
to stop him, yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up
the wrong tree!"

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand.

"We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."

"That's right..." the man said with a smile, "So bill my Brother-in-law."

http://www.circlemakers.org/Img/nike_milan_1.jpg

Purple: Thank you.

Thad: Lolol. I think the content was fine. It's the title that's not appropriate. Should have read Sick joke.

Thad: I knew that ;)

<> >C an't eat Beef, Mad cow....
> >
> >Can't eat chicken . bird flu
> >
> >
> >
> >Can't eat eggs .... Salmonella
> >
> >Can't eat pork ... fears that bird flu will infect piggies
> >
> >
> >
> >Can't eat fish .... heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat
> >
> >
> >
> >Can't eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and herbicides
> >
> >
> >
> >Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >M
> >
> >I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Remember - - -
> >
> >"STRESSED"
> >
> >spelled backwards is
> >
> >"DESSERTS"
> >
> >

Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance company to inquire about my short-term disability policy.
"I just had a baby," I proudly announced to the representative who picked up the phone.
"Congratulations! I'll get all of your information and activate your policy," she assured me. After taking down basic facts like my name and address, she asked, "Was this a work-related incident?"

nobleheart: Rofl. I love the way the sequence starts off with that cheesy grin!

ah c'mon brats,a little class plase...enough with the toilet humour...lol..lets chnge the joke direction..mmm..let ss..mmm what next:
ok I know..a challenge everyone fins & share a funny (clean)photo:

http://www.webwasteland.com/links-images/waterskiaccident.jpg

tazman7474: tha's so corney!! ;)

playBunny: lol just think corn log!

tazman7474: Lolol. Maybe it's because I don't like sweet corn that I didn't know that one ... but you've got my imagination going. ;-)

playBunny: look in the toilet after you eat a bunch of sweet-corn! you'll understand it! lol

Corn Poopie : Self-explainitory.

Obvious except to ignorant shi- .. er, I mean poopies like me.
So what's a corn poopie?

Ghost Poopie : The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's nothing in the toilet.

Clean Poopie : The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet,
but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie : The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels
unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt
and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie : It happens when you're done poopie-ing and you pull your
pants up, and you realize that you have to poopie some
more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Poopie : The kind where you strain so much to get
it out, you practically have a stroke.

Richard Simmons Poopie : You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.

Lincoln Log Poopie : The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to
flush without breaking it up into little pieces with
the toilet brush.

Gasey Poopie : It is so noisy that everyone within earshot is giggling.

Drinker Poopie : The kind of poopie you have after a long night of drinking.
It's most noticable trait is the tread marks on the bottom
of the toilet.

Corn Poopie : Self-explainitory.

Gee I Wish I Could Poopie Poopie : It's the kind where you want to poopie
but all you do is sit on the toilet,
cramped, and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie : That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear
it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) : The kind that comes out so fast, your
butt cheeks get splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie : The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your
butt and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Food Poopie : It smells so bad the room must be condemned.

Upper Class Poopie : The kind that thinks their poopie doesn't stink.

"Fisherman" Bobber Poopie : That's the kind where you are in a public
restroom, there are two people waiting on your
stall, you poopie and flush two times, but
several golfball size pieces are still floating
above the water line.

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 11-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 11 and now I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one Dad." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks -

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.

The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years."

skipinnz: blondes like backgammon because it has a bar & they get hit on

are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

the quick and the dead.

I went to the bar the other night and told the 'keep, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"'Less'? Never heard of it," he said.

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure," I replied. "It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should 'drink Less.'"

pgt: LOL...where else could you take in 18 holes and go home to your wife?

Summertop:Not to forget that Hitler shot himself in a bunker

Summertop: And women say we guys aren't thoughtful.

Two men were golfing one day. When they got to the 12th tee, it was right next to a road. It was a busy day at the course, so they had to wait to tee off. While they were waiting for their turn, a funeral procession comes down the road. As soon as it gets there, the first golfer stands up and places his hat over his heart. He stands there like that until the funeral procession passes. The second golfer comments, "That was sure nice of you!". The first one replies, "It was the least I could do for my Wife".

Golf - the four letter word explained
=====================================


1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

2. "I wish I could play my normal game...just once."

3. "Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls."

4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

5. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

6. The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."

7. A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers...neither of whom can putt very well.

8. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

9. Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

10. I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

11. If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme Putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.

12. Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it.

13. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

14. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work... and both are expensive.

15. The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

16. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.

17. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers... they shoot a "six," yell "fore" and write "five."

18. Swing easy. Hit hard.

19. If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf...it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.

20. Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?

21. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it".

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

harley: geesh..harley has been lead out into the "corn" field by Partica I think