Definitions From A Woman's Perspective
Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus... breath...push... Good Girl!"

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
Similar to a black hole in space... if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also
"tranquilizers."

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n.
The number of times you ask someone male to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
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Dogs Compared To Men


Why Dogs Are Better Than Men


Dogs miss you when you're gone.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you--- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.

Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can house train a dog.

You can force a dog to take a bath.

Dogs don't correct your stories.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.

Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.

Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs take care of their own needs.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Dogs are nice to your relatives.



How Dogs And Men Are The Same


Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both like to chew wood.

Both mark their territory.

Both are bad at asking you questions.

Neither tells you what's bothering them.

Both tend to smell riper with age.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Neither does any dishes.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

Neither understands what you see in cats.



Why Men Are Better Than Dogs


Men only have two feet to track in mud.

Men can buy you presents.

Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.

Men are a little bit more subtle.

Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.

Men open their own cans.

Dogs have dog breath all the time.

Men can do math stuff.

Restaurants allow men.

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What Men Mean When They Say...
"I'm going fishing."
really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Woman driver."
really means..."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"It's a guy thing."
really means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
really means..."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
really means...Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Have you lost weight?'
really means..."I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"It would take too long to explain."
really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"I got a lot done."
really means..."I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
really means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
really means..."I wonder if the lawn needs mowing today."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
really means..."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
really means..."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
really means..."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
really means..."You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
really means..."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"You know how bad my memory is."
really means..."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers on every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
really means..."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Hey I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
really means..."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
really means..."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?'
really means..."What did you catch me at?"

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
really means..."I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
really means..."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
really means..."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
really means..."No one will ever see us alive again."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
really means..."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed
help."

"I broke up with her."
really means..."She dumped me."