Great one, Brian

This is the ultimate response to a Dear John letter.  You gotta love a man like this.  Humor in the face of defeat. A marine was deployed to Afghanistan.  While he was there he received a
letter from his girlfriend.  In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him AND she wanted pictures of herself back.  So the marine did what any squared away marine would do.  He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.  He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are.  Please remove your picture and send the rest back".

i named my dog stay. cmere stay! cmere stay.

maybe the one about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

Patient: Doctor I have a sore throat, I ache, and have a fever.
Doctor: Sounds like some kind of virus.
Patient: Everyone in the office has it.
Doctor: Well then, maybe it’s a staff infection

ewwwwwwwwwwww LOL

ever heard the one about the cannibal who passed his friend in the jungle?

LOL! Brian,,Good one! 0:-D

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she
just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders
mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy
Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy
Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of
them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then she
stomped them flat and said........ "Well, it might be okay in
California, Vermont, and New York, but we're not having any of that
crap in Texas

some people have a fear of heights, I have a fear of widths.

A couple went out for dinner to celibrate their 50th anniversey. On the drive home the wife looked over at her husband and saw a tear escape from his eye. She asks him,"are you getting sentimental thinking of our wonderful fifty years together?" He replies,"actually I was thinking about the time before we married." "Your father threathened me with a shotgun and said he would send me to jail for fifty years if I didn't marry you." "Tomorrow, I would be free."

1. I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

2. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.

3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... they are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

4. I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own and hubby loves spiders.

5. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

6. I don't plant a garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer.

7. I don't put things away because ... my husband will never be able to find them again.

8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because .... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

9. I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".

10. I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

i spilled spot remover on my dog. now he's gone.

Cool, I like the joke :oD even my electrician just read it and is married to a Jamaican he also found it funny LMAO

pm it to me LOL

NO NO good you missed my last one LOL

"our military" yep :o)

Did you see the Joke..Steve?

LMFAO@Skyking and Dano

dano..I'm having problems writing you.. Kammy and Purple were not on so I had chanced that Joke. Thanx for advice

This Land

Mad Cow Desease

A Predator drone-launched Hellfire missile !!

Hey Osama, I think it’s for you !
~*~

Applause:)

Genuine warnings written on military equipment and publications:

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
U.S.A.F.Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-- Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Unknown

(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
-- U.S.A. Ammo Troop

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power in January 2001. At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism as I watched George W. Bush take his oath of office.
 
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched William Jefferson Clinton board Air Force One for the last time. I saw 7 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing president. It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under Clinton. Every last one of them missed.

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with
delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any
idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just
came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18
year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

thanks- since that was well received..I'll post one more : )


BEER STUDY
Harvard medical scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a serious
look at their beer consumption. Their theory is that beer contains female hormones and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were given 8 pints of beer each to consume within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test X-Scanned:
1.) gained weight,
2.) talked excessively without making sense,
3.) became overly emotional,
4.) couldn't drive,
5.) failed to think rationally,
6.) argued over nothing,
7.) had to sit down while urinating, and
8.) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
No further testing was considered necessary.

LOL great one baddessi

Thank you Skyking. (taking a bow). Really though, it was low.

Applauding

JOHN KERRY AS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

 
Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of
a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened
very closely until he heard an answering,  "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" 
He
tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. It is
our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back,
it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. the Indian ran up to the opening of
the
cave, stopped, and hollered, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"  Immediately,
there was an answering "Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the
cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of
the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this
cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some
really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of  the opening and hollered with all his might
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"  He grinned and closed his eyes in
anticipation, and then he heard  the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!
WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read..... 
(Get ready this will kill ya),
 
 
 
 
 
"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN"  

<What did the blind man say when somebody handed him a matza?
>
>
>
Who wrote this nonsence!!?

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Henry loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Ernie looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They draw straws. Joe picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Joe goes over to Henry's apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Joe declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Joe.

Three boys were in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy said, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a poem, and they give him $50!"

The second boy said, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a song, and they give him $100."

The third boy said, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon. It takes eight people to collect all the money!"

A man asked the barber “How much for a haircut?”
“$5.50.” said the barber.
“And how much for a shave?”
“$3.00 sir.”
“Very well, shave my head.”

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots.
On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."

OMG!!

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, & complain. And most do.

Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. - Pardo

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it. - Irene Peter

Always remember no matter where you go, there you are.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the
words?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we
are already there?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the
unexpected expected?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

What do you call a Nudist Wedding?

  -- A Pubic Ceremony!

While I was driving down the road the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed over a bridge only to see a cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know about, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
I'm a "Rectum Stretcher, "I responded.
The cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet." Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic ticket: $95.00
Court costs: $45.00

Look on cop's face ... Priceless

LMAO

hahahaha.. Oh that was too kewl..

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1.
"Hello" "You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah?
Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer parked in front
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called asshole #2:
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole," I Said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew. Now, I feel better.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
...Author unknown

thud...falls into Ludwigs grave

A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
"Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
"He's decomposing."

lol@cole&harley