'
( Horoscopes for Southerners )


It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present
astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should
get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once
in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me
there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things
are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions
or scorpions, not many archers and no damn water bearers. Virgins ?
The neighborhood's not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here
is some relevance. We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.

Okra
Dec 22 - Jan 20

Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on
the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra
can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence
everywhere. Stay away from MoonPies.

Chitlin
Jan 21 - Feb 19

Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times
they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from.
A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated
and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins,
be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius,
and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best
with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

Boll Weevil
Feb 20 - Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with
the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into
the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very
intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in
their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

Moon Pie
Mar 21 - Apr 20

You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch.
It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies.
"Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry
anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going
to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

Possum
Apr 21 - May 21

When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked
tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it"
attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think
you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy,
but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and
you may find your problems actually running you over.

Crawfish
May 22 - Jun 21

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're
always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer
the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course,
the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly
attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.


Collards
Jun 22- Jul 23

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the
"melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences
of those around them. Collards make good social workers,
psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal
life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies.
It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.


Catfish
Jul 24 - Aug 23

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with
one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones.
You catfish are never easy people to understand.
You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of
life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Grits
Aug 24 - Sep 23

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like
to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to
travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club.
Where do you like to go ? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or
bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go omewhere where they
have all these things, that serves you well.

Boiled Peanuts
Sep 24 - Oct 23

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man.
Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and
loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty,
and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because
you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right
ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way,
yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that
people will always pull over and stop for you.

Butter Beans
Oct 24 - Nov 22

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along
well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud.
You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter
what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too,
shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

Armadillo
Nov 23 - Dec 21

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you
are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you ? Old friends,
a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback.
You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not
concerned with anything about today. You're really almost
prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns.
You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum
is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

#

1. A man was walking through a store parking lot one day and noticed a man at his car with a coat hanger in the window. Without thinking the first man stopped and asked.. "Lock your keys in your car did ya?" Without missing a beat the other guy replied..."No I just washed it and now I am hanging it out to dry...HERE'S YOUR SIGN"

2. A lady was traveling with friends from Austin to Dallas. But when they arrived at the Dallas airport her luggage had been mislaced. She went to the lost luggage department to report the missing luggge. The lady behinounter said "May I help you?" and she replied "Yes my luggage is missing." The lady behind the counter then asked her..."Has your plane landed yet?" Frustrated the woman replied..."No I am having an out of body experience and just wanted to check on it."....HERE'S YOUR SIGN

3. A guy was driving home one day from work and got caught bhind an 18 wheeler that had become lodged underneath an overpass. As he and the trucker were standing by the rig talking and waiting on the tow truck a State Trooper arrived and asked the trucker..."Got your truck stuck did you? The trucker turned to the trooper and responded..."No, I was delivering this overpass and I ran out of gas."....HERE'S YOUR SIGN

4. A lady was stopped on the side of the road with her hood of her car up and smooke pouring from the motor. A man soon stopped and made sure she was all right...then...you guessed it....asked the ultimate DUH question...."Car broke down huh?...she then replied..."No, the car wanted a cigarette so i pulled over." HERE'S YOUR SIGN

1. Your wife hollers "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

2. You have a house that's mobile and 15 cars that aren't.

3. The tires on your truck cost more than your truck.

4. Your working television is sitting on your non-working television.

5. You wear a dress that's strapless and a bra that isn't.

6. You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.

7. You have been married 3 times and have the same in-laws.

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.
"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove back to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."

You Might Be Canadian If ...

* You can repeat the entire Molson's Canadian 'The Rant'.
* You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
* You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."
* You hum David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme in the shower.
* You know that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) don't always look like that.
* You make up patriotic lyrics to go along with David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme.
* You cried when Gus "drowned" on Road To Avonlea.
* You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold".
* You think there isn't enough of Peter Gzowski to go around.
* You think it's normal to have a grain elevator in your backyard.
* You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.
* You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "what's good enough protection for the Prime Minister, is good enough for me!"
* You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean.
* You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who's Who spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.
* You participate in Participaction!
* You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.
* You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.
* You think Peter Kent is sexy.
* You think Matt Damon is so-so.
* You stood in line for hours for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.
* You killed your best friend for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.
* You think Great Big Sea isn't Maritime-centric enough.
* Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on (and you always have room for more).
* You know the names of all the guys in Sloan.
* You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if they edited out your carefully prepared rant against the Harris government.
* You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
* You still haven't taken down your "NON" posters from the 95 Referendum.
* You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.
* You think Ashley MacIssac isn't Celtic enough.
* You remember "Jodie" from Today's Special and wonder why you keep seeing her reading news on the CBC.
* You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do".
* You know why "killerwhaletank" is funny.
* You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
* You had a crush on Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior High.
* You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few months early.
* You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards. You wonder why Stompin' Tom doesn't get his own category in all three. You scream passionately at the television when your favourite Canadian performers are overlooked by their respective academies.
* You think -10 C is mild weather.
* You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.
* You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).
* You know the ingredients for poutine.
* You know what happens in the Evergreen Forest when Bert Raccoon wakes up.
* You dressed as Bruno Gerussi for Halloween. You spent hours sifting through garbage on the beach to prepare for the role.
* You substitute beer for water when cooking.
* You carry empty beer cans from your camping trips home with you in your backpack so you can recycle them when you reach civilization.
* You know that the 'Extra Creamy' in Kraft Extra Creamy Dinner is 'add more milk.'
* You prefer Elvis Stojko when he has 'hockey hair' - a.k.a. 'the mullet' or 'the shorty-longback'.
* You brag about the sweet herb in BC.
* You know the chorus of "The Log Driver's Waltz" and are particularly fond of the 'burling down and down' bit.
* You steal stationery from your Government of Canada co-operative education placement because you figure you can find lots of uses for paper with 'Human Resources Development Canada/Développement des Ressources Humaines Canada' written at the top.
* You have daydreams that film-maker Don McKellar, and Hugh Dillon from The Headstones, skinned and ate Regis Philbin.
* You recognize: CPP, RSP, and CCM.
* You know what "Canuba" is. You think it's pretty damn funny.
* Your gravy boat is shaped like the Bluenose.
* You refuse to consume chocolate that doesn't come in either Smarties, Coffee Crisp, or Laura Secord format.
* You die a little inside if you can't get your Tim's double-double every morning.
* You know the difference between real snow and "television" snow -- the white stuff that passes for snow on tv and in films. You scream, "For Christsake! That should be sticking to their pants!" and "Lookit, it's not melting! That's *so* not snow!" when watching 'Winter' scenes.
* Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.
* You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize.
* You know Casey and Finnegan are NOT a Celtic rock band or imported beer.
* You know who Foster Hewitt is.
* You can spot MEC from a kilometre away, even if the little white tag is hidden.
* You're either out to bingo or getting stinko (and you think no more of Inco) on a Sudbury Saturday night.
* You've actually said, "Stay where yer at, 'till I gets where yer to."
* You pity people who haven't tasted a "beavertail".
* Complete the phrase: "The good old ____ game is the best ____ you can ____."
* You've got some rocks and you've got to leave an important message -- Lucky you know how to build an innukshuk!
* You have at least one ROOTS sweatshirt that always smells like cigarettes and beer.
* You find it difficult to explain "milk in a bag" to non-Canadians, and even more difficult to describe the "snippy-thing" used on bag corners. (Bonus points if your collected snippy-things are stuck to your fridge.)
* You're pretty sure you can see Alex Trebek smirking when Jeopardy contestants get the "Canada questions" wrong. Even if you weren't sure of the answer yourself, you consider yourself a hundred times smarter than the idiots who always guess, "What is .. uh, Toronto?"
* Your Saturday nights in the Atlantic provinces include eating beans and brown bread as you watch Hockey Night in Canada.
* You know that the Canadian Alliance is just the Reform Party with better hair.
* You know that, contrary to general belief, the Inuit have about the same amount of words for snow as do English speakers. Your favourite Inuit word for 'snow' is "navcaq" (snow formation about to collapse).
* Your local zoo is mainly flamingoes, giraffes and sad elephants freezing their asses off against a backdrop of pine trees, grey skies, and precambrian shield formations.
* You wonder why squirrels and seagulls somehow manage to get in every zoo exhibit (including the parking lot and squirrel and seagull exhibits).
* You live in a "beach town" and have to eat your brothers and sisters to stay alive during the winter months.
* You wonder why Esther Canadas has been blessed with both beauty and the coolest name on the planet -- although Canuck cutie Shalom Harlow could wipe the floor with her.
* You're such a hardcore Canadian punk you used ketchup-flavoured potato chip 'residue' to dye your hair. You know it's kind of gross, but at least you smell good.
* You don't consider a date truly romantic until you've slow danced to Blue Rodeo's "Five Days in May". You accept "Lost Together" as a second option.
* You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK"
* You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
* You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
* You drink Pop, not Soda.
* You only know three spices: Salt, pepper and ketchup
* You know that a Mickey and 24's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"
* You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays (not vacation), with good cigars and no Americans.
* You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway
* You drive on a highway, not a freeway
* You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
* You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
* You cried when you heard that "Mr Dress Up" died recently.
* You get excited whenever an American television show mentions
* You brag to Americans: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & more, are Canadians.
* You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
* You know what a toque is.
* You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
* You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed"
* You live in a house with no front step, but the door is one meter up from the ground.
* Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
* You know that the four seasons means: winter, still winter, almost winter, and road work/construction.
* You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
* You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
* You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan"
* You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."
* You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
* "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"
* You call it a BUN not a "Roll"
* Its called a WASHROOM not a lavatory or powder room or rest room.
* You've ever had your tongue frozen to something.
* You know that in Canada the mosquitoes have landing lights
* You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
* You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
* You know that Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores before Christmas.
* You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
* Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
* You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
* At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles a meat processing plant.
* The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
* Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
* You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
* You head south to go to your cottage.
* You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
* You know which leaves make for good toilet paper.
* The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo, it's sausage making.
* You find -40C a little chilly.
* The trunk of your car doubles as a freezer.
* You attend a formal in your best clothes, your finest jeweler and your Sorrels.
* You can play road hockey on skates.
* You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still winter, almost Winter and Construction.
* The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
* You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

if you recall some blackouts.
but it smells greener on restart.

"Teenagers and Cats"

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know
why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by
name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane
efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting
on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human
being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right
mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you
teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end
without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating
that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to
return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your
bedroom.

Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise
teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but
veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at
hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do
not make any sudden moves in their direction.

When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some
affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all
concerned.

~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The
cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time
with his cymbal clash.

The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect
and that he wouldn't play it as written.

The Music Director told him he either had to play the piece as written,
or he would be kicked off the band. The young man refused, and the
Music Director had no choice but to kick him off the band.

Late, the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he had kicked
the young musician off the band.

He replied, "It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dear Valued Customer.....

Due to dramatic increases in our overhead costs, we are obliged to
charge you for our general support services from this point forward.

Our new price list is as follows:

Simple answers $ 3.00

Answers which need some thought $ 7.00

Honest answers $ 12.00

And, for services we find ourselves performing even more frequently:

Answers to dumb and unnecessary questions $ 20.00

We cannot keep our standard reactions free any longer:

Shrug $ 1.00

Look dumb $ 2.00

Look very dumb $ 5.00

Get the boss $ 15.00

The one price that remains unchanged:

Ignore you completely - Free



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

In a department store, a difficult customer and a
patient clerk were having a hard time getting
together. Nothing the clerk provided was suitable.

Finally, the finicky shopper said in annoyance, "Can't
you find a smarter clerk to serve me?"

"No," said the saleswoman. "The smarter clerk saw you
coming and disappeared."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Coffee?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You're in charge of the cooking around here and you
should do it, because that's your job. I can just wait for my coffee."

The wife replied, "No you should do it, and besides it's in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."

The husband replied, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she grabbed her Bible, and opened to the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed said:
~~~

~~~ ~~~~~

HEBREWS ~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out
marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing.
They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we
found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........

we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmellows on them!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Kinda Marine...
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by
a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper
tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try
to calm him down the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the
seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps
uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the
flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine
leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the
boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and
quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into
spontaneous applause. As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his
seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, sir," she ask quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words
you used on that little boy?"

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's
wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they
entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I
choose, and that I was just about to make my selection for this flight..!

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,

"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

Nirvana: On the way to my cabin, I have to take a dirt road. On that road is this sign..."Muddy if wet".

Bricklayers Letter



Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.
In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning"
as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I needed to
explain things better, I trust the following statement will suffice.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the morning of June 10th, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I
discovered that I had about 500 lbs. of bricks left over. Rather than carry
the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a
pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the
sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel over, and loaded the 500 lbs. of bricks in it. Then I went back to
the ground, and untied the rope. I held it tightly to insure a slow descent
of all 500 lbs. You will note in block number eleven of the report form
that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to the surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind, and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded up the side of the building at a rather rapid rate.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This
explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time, I had regained my presence of mind, and was
able to hold onto the rope, as not to fall despite the pain.

At approximately the same time, the barrel of bricks hit the ground,
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the bricks, the barrel now
weighed about 50 lbs.

I refer again to block eleven, my weight is 135 lbs. As you may
imagine I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the 3 fractured ankles, and the numerous lacerations on my
legs.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen the impact
onto the pile of bricks on the ground, and to my surprise, only 3 vertebrae
were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however that as I lay there on the bricks, unable
to move, and looking at the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost
my presence of mind...

I let go of the rope.

Yours Truly,

Brick Layer

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO
ROOM TEMPERATURE
BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED
PORTION LIKE
A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
APPROXIMATELY 5
MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.


13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.


16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.


19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.


20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

There's just no end of geniuses coming up with newer and
better ways of removing themselves from the gene pool.

The 20ths Century Darwin Awards
They have finally been released !

For those not familiar with the Darwin Award - It's an annual
honor given to the person who did the universal human
gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in
the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this
year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have
trained their whole lives for this event.

The Darwin Awards Nominees


1.
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and
drowned in
two feet of water after squeezing head first through an
18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2.
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged
off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3.
Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole
he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it.
Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or
protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach
chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed,
burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach,
on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying
to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA,
but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using
heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about
200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4.
In Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as
he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop
he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight
he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into
the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

5.
According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena,
20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman,
23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate
the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

6.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del.,
as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver
loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

7.
According to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and
Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning
a tie in the game of chicken they were playing
with their snowmobiles.

8.
A 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark,
Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked
the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

9.
AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre
accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused
by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case
of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face,
Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's
first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.
Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first
day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed
her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said
later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone
would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two
seconds." However, cab driver Vegas did see, and lost control
of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the
Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician,
was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against
the building made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with
a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers
from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling
piece of the medical building.

10.
TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after
eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so
bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she
had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter
and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought
the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to
read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized
something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill
with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center,
only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam
from her mouth, throat, and stomach with no ill effects.

11.
TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several
friends when one of them said they knew a person who had
bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle
of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m.
Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered
that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued
drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of cable had
been left near the railing. Bingham's leg and the other end was
tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously
survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by
two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that
God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it."
Bingham's foot was never located.

12.
On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit
a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested
by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime,
and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:

1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a
substantial portion of the adult population is licensed
to carry concealed handguns in public places;
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked
Police patrol car parked at the front door;
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter,
having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the
officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and
fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly
returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several
other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire.
No one else was hurt.

13.
In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he
decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top a tall cliff and
tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the
rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to
his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment.
He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely
and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of
hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished
the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out
of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to hospital, where
he died - of hypothermia.

DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
(1) In Guthrie, Okla., Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet
ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio
Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull. (2) In Elyria, Ohio, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor
of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the
first and second floors of his house.
(3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township,
NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of
dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around
at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it
out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently
failed to notice that the window was closed. (4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far:
In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes
five days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed,
but dozens of matadors were injured, including
one gored in the
head and one Bobbittized. Said one articipant, "It's just one
bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons."

And Our ALLTIME Favorite

Japan Times-April 16, 1997
"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze
of 'Pumping'", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima Hospital
told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy
the cream of Thailand's manhood." He was speaking after the
remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed
into the hospital's emergency room. "Most 'Pumpers' use
a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the
nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves rush of air,
creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God."
Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder
foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him,
and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed
air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do
it so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing how
powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum,
and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly,
but passers-by are still in shock. One woman thought she was watching
a twilight fireworks display, and started clapping. "We still haven't
located all of him", say the police authorities. "When that
quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded.
It was like an atom bomb went off or something."
"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan,"
Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then
hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's,

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

And there is none brighter than yours Kam my dear

Dam!

The Dam Letter--- A Michigan Farmer Pokes Fun At Bureacrats



This was an actual letter from and a reply to the Michigan Department of
Environmental Quality, State of Michigan:

Mr. Ryan De Vries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that
there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above-referenced parcel
of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and
maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and
cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized
activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream
channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,
1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a
follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply
with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may
result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division



RESPONSE

Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20, Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.
You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you
neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send
them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor
at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of
beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and
maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring
Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervised their dam project,
I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of
natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your
department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place
you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever
match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity,
their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first
must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against
my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this
State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against
these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request
completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have
been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part
301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101
to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled
to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute
and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to
provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either
one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding
is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required
to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone
rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please
contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously
did not pay any attention to your dam letter -- being unable to read
English) -- be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am
not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with
these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers -- be aware I am
sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam
Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and
truly will not permit their existence in this State -- I seriously hope you
are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the
Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy
Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental
Protection lives to its name, it should protect the natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred
for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98?
The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no
way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental
quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually
defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the
defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to
investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful
where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact
you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office via another government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, someday,
it will get there.

Sincerely,

Stephen L. Tvedten

cc: PETA

I started to howl the moment I read they were at a psych. hospital...I knew what was comeing...I used to work for a private hospital in Phx. and we would get the same dubious response when we would order food to be delivered on the graveyard shift.

JUst to mess with the delivery people, we would sometimes have the biggest orderly put on a hospital gown..slippers and answer the door ( right off the 'Seclusion Room' ) laughing gleefuly....
After awhile, the dispatcher would try and get the newest driver to deliver...
Ahhhh....goodtimes...

I started to howl the moment I read they were at a psych. hospital...I knew what was comeing...I used to work for a private hospital in Phx. and we would get the same dubious response when we would order food to be delivered on the graveyard shift.

JUst to mess with the delivery people, we would sometimes have the biggest orderly put on a hospital gown..slippers and answer the door ( right off the 'Seclusion Room' ) laughing gleefuly....
After awhile, the dispatcher would try and get the newest driver to deliver...
Ahhhh....goodtimes...

I want to say that I am very much enjoying the terrific jokes being submitted here!!! Nothing like the healing power of laughter :)

FBI Ordering Pizzas Story



The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and
International Studies report on Global Organized Crime; the author who
introduces the story swears it's true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was
under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing
thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an
appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza
parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI
because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of
soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front
doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the
back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember
to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the
rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

Click.

...This is why cats attack their owners.

9 Handy household tips for the modern woman !

1. DELIA'S WAY
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.

THE REAL WOMAN'S WAY
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's
sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating
it anyway.

2. DELIA'S WAY
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.

THE REAL WOMAN'S WAY
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

3. DELIA'S WAY
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit
of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on
the outside of the cake.

REAL WOMAN'S WAY
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

4. DELIA'S WAY
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a potato slice.

REAL WOMAN'S WAY
If you over salt a dish while your are cooking, thats tough.
Now, please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it, and
you will eat it, and I don't care how bad it tastes"

5. DELIA'S WAY
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator
and it will keep for weeks.

REAL WOMAN'S WAY
Let it keep forever. Who eats it anyway?

6. DELIA'S WAY
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield
beautiful glossy finish.

REAL WOMAN'S WAY
Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg
white over the crust - so we don't do that.

7. DELIA'S WAY
Cure for headaches. Take a lime, cut it in half and rub in on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

REAL WOMAN'S WAY
Cure for headaches. Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8
ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the
headache, but at least you will be happy!

8. DELIA'S WAY
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing
gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

REAL WOMAN'S WAY
Forget the gloves, use that gadget you keep in front of the TV
... that's what he's there for isn't it?

And finally .
9. DELIA'S WAY
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
and sauces.

REAL WOMAN'S WAY
Leftover wine???? .... Hello!!!!!

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to
change a light bulb?

A: 1,331:

* 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that
the light bulb has been changed

* 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and
how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

* 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

* 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
changing light bulbs.

* 53 to flame the spell checkers

* 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the
light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail
list.

* 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

* 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to
please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

* 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling
and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

* 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all
use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this
mail list.

* 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is
superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light
bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

* 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light
bulbs

* 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
corrected URLs.

* 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are
relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this
list.

* 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including
all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

* 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because
they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

* 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

* 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

* 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

* 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant
for, leave it here.

* 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

A traveling salesman was lost out in the country. While driving down a dirt road he happened to notice there was a chicken running next to his car. He looked at the speedometer and saw he was doing 15 mph. As the chicken passed him he noticed it had three legs.
It was picking up speed and he tried to keep up. The chicken kept ahead of the car reaching speeds of over 50 mph. Then with a burst of speed it took off the road into the surrounding fields.
A few miles later the salesman spots a farm and decides to get directions there.
As he nears the house he sees many chickens in the yard and all of them have three legs.
So he says to the farmer, ?I see all your chickens have three legs, why is that?? The farmer answers, ?I breed them like that. Yup, I have a large family and we all love chicken. Especially the drumsticks. I breed them so there would be more to go around.?
?How do they taste,? asked the salesman. ?Don?t know,? replied the farmer, ?Ain?t never been able to catch one.?

English Lauguage "Signs" Abroad

1. Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
2. At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
3. Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES
4. Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
5. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF
6. Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR
7. Sign in mens rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT
8. In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
9. On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
10. On a highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
11. On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP
12. In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
13. A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS
14. In A Maternity Ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED
15. In A Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES
16. Tokyo Hotels Rules And Regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED
17. On The Menu Of A Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
18. In A Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS
19. In A Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
20. Hotel Room Notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM
21. Hotel Brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
22. Hotel Lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE
23. Hotel Elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK
24. Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
25. Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
26. Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF- SERVICE
27. Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
28. Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
29. An Advertisement By A Hong Kong Dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS
30. A Laundry In Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
31. Tourist Agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
32. Advertisement For Donkey Rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
33. Airline Ticket Office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
34. On The Door Of A Moscow Hotel Room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT
35. On The Menu In Lagos Airport Restaurant:
TERMINAL SOUP

An Indian woman goes to see an Indian fortune-teller.

"Two men are in love with me," she says. "Who will be the lucky one?

The swami answers, "Nimesh will marry you. Akshay will be the lucky one."

AMEN on that one Summertop!!

Subject: Definition of a Bar-B-Que

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man
volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into
motion:
1) The woman goes to the shops.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man,
who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he deals with
the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that There's Just No Pleasing
Some Women

My Get-Up And Go Has Got-Up And Went!


How do I know that my youth is all spent?
My get-up and go has got-up and went
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
When I think of where my get-up has been!

Old age is golden, so I have heard said
Yet I sometimes wonder when I get out of bed
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup
My eyes on the table, until I wake up.
As sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself
Is there anything else I should have laid on the shelf?

But I am happy to say as I close my door
My friends are the same, perhaps even more
When I was young my slippers were red
I would kick my heels, right over my head.

As I grew older my slippers were blue
Still I could dance the whole evening through.
Now I am older, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store, and puff my way back!

The reason I know my youth is all spent,
My get-up and go has got-up and went
But I really don't mind when I think with a grin
Of all the grand places my get-up has been.

Since I have retired from life's competition
I busy myself with life's repetition.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits
Pick up the paper and read the Obits
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed!

LOL..now that is one smart little old lady!

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

THERE'S A NEW SET OF RULES NOW!!

Now it's time for the man's rules. We always hear "the rules" for the feminine side. Ok - we are now going to hear the rules from the man's side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work

Strong hints do not work

Obvious hints do not work

Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. I'm in shape. -ROUND is a shape.

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42 Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt head
30. Military intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. Extinct life
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. New classic
16. Temporary tax increase
15. French bravery
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

And the NUMBER ONE top OXY-Moron

1. Microsoft Works

If you remember this show and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes.They are well worth the time it takes to read them. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are. Go ask your parents.


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.




Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.




Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.




Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.




Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.




Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.




Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.




Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.




Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?





Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.




Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.




Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C’mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you’ll have no clothes to wear,
if we don’t do laundry right now!


What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

"egglige", I love it!!!!

Two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon. While they
were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg
away and said, "I just have to go to the washroom. Be back in a minute."
Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky
egglige, running her hands up and down her smooth, oval body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head,
covering it completely. The female egg looked at him and asked what he
was doing.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the
head with a spoon."

With Summer here, these will be useful to read before your next BBQ.

10. Friends don't let friends BBQ drunk! (a message from
M.A.B.B., mothers against burnt burgers)

9. Make sure you are not barbecuing your dog's chew toy.

8. Shave hair off hands and arms to prevent flame-ups.

7. If it moos when you put a fork in it, slap it back on the grill.

6. A 'bbq spit' is NOT saliva.

5. There is more than one way to skin a cat.

4. Singed eyelashes grow back in about four weeks.
3. Always test your grill for the proper temperature. The
use of your dog's nose, however, is not recommended.

2. Cleaning the grill with your wife's hairbrush is unsanitary.

1. Never ever throw a shrimp on the barbie.

With this wire exactly only Ethernet OVER :D

A nebo taky Ethernet over 220V. :-)) Funguje to!

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to
move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told
her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she
missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth But only if
she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... ...including the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU??????
 

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

THE ANSWER TO A FEMALE SAYING "WHAT'S WRONG?".....

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain in the butt

I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam


THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired" = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different!

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!!!

I just went to www.ap.org and did a search....nada. It is not conclusive. However, the story IS funny.

Yes, after like 15 or 20 mins in a hot car, the cans started popping. So it is possible, but it's never been said if the story is true or not.