A very attractive lady goes up to a bar. She gestures alluringly to the
bartender. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his
face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to caress his beard. "Are you the
manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to
him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers
into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender finally manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels
in the ladies room."

'W' is in volume 10? Now that's a joke :)

Young TZ found it impossible to get a date. He’d start to talk to a girl, and his tongue would twist up like a pretzel.
He went to a bookstore and looked for something that would help him overcome his timidity. On a nonfiction rack he saw a book titled "Ways to Women". Blowing his entire allowance, he bought the book, rushed home, and discovered that he had bought volume ten of the encyclopedia.

In school one day the teacher decided that in
science class she would teach about materials;
So she stood in the front of the class and said,
"Children, if you could have one raw material in
the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would
want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money
and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because
platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy
a Corvette"
The teacher smiled and then called on Little
Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would
want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two
bags of it and you should see all the sports cars
outside our house!!

'

'
# - Once you have their money, never give it back.
# - You can't cheat an honest customer, but it never hurts to try.
# - You can always buy back a lost reputation.
# - Sex and profit are the two things that never last long enough.
# - If you can't break a contract, bend it.
# - Never let family stand in the way of opportunity.
# - Always keep your ears open.
# - Keep count of your change.
# - Instinct plus opportunity equals profit.
# - A dead customer can't buy as much as a live one.
# - Latinum isn't the only thing that shines.
# - Anything worth selling is worth selling twice.
# - Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
# - Anything stolen is pure profit.
# - Acting stupid is often smart.
# - A deal is a deal.
# - A bargain usually isn't.
# - Beware of relatives bearing gifts.
# - Don't lie too soon after a promotion.
# - When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat.
# - Never place friendship before profit.
# - Wise men can hear profit in the wind.
# - Never take the last coin, but be sure to get all the rest.
# - Fear makes a good business partner.
# - Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money.
# - Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother.
# - Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects.
# - It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
# - Money talks, but having lots of it gets more attention.
# - Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon.
# - The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
# - Good customers are a rare as latinum--treasure them.
# - Friendship is seldom cheap.
# - Free advice is seldom cheap.
# - Never use credit where your words will do.
# - Never buy what can be stolen.
# - The riskier the road, the higher the profit.
# - Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise.
# - Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.
# - Never do something you can make someone do for you.
# - Sleep can interfere with opportunity.
# - Buy, sell, or get out of the way.
# - A friend is only a friend until you sell him something. Then he is a customer.
# - Wives serve; brothers inherit.
# - If you can sell it, don't hesitate to steal it.

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was
trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a
friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so
that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns'
clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns
"wrapped in the driveshaft."

Those posts are an exquizit demonstration of what can make a blue meanie smile (sorta)...

Medieval Chastity Belt
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was
showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except
it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made
it basically useless.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this
opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when
I'm on a long quest?"
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most
worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He
inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon
a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can
leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out
upon a lengthy Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he
assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop
their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or
damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only
true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.
What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

The Worlds thinnest books
21. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY - by Jane Fonda
20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno
19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE - by John Denver
18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS - by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by HILLARY CLINTON
16. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE - by Osama Bin Laden
15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD - by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. MY WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT: a Travel Guide
9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES -by DR. J. Kevorkian
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen de Generes
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY


2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ....

1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton/with introduction by The Rev.
Jessie Jackson

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, both male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year. Male drop their
antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to December.
Females retain
their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore,
according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,
EVERY single one
of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known.
ONLY
women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all
around the world in one night and not get lost.

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war
party.
The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger.
In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three
days.But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is
your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak
to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger,
who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that
evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the
Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends
the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two
days.
What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As
before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
returns, this time with a voluptuous redhead, even more attractive than
the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You
are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.
What
is your last request."
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,
alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to
the
Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, theLone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last
time, I said
BRING POSSE!


I don't give a.. what Solus thinks of this f...joke

spell 'Water Cooler' ... make no mistake :Þ

But... How in Cadia Lilyton is that funny? I almost find it offensive, if not for the long ago understanding of brown shoed common folly ...

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale Has hit Mexico.
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending soldiers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America!

Thanx Dano LOL

'

'
21) Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
20) Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
19) Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
18) Rust problem in engineering causes support failure:
one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.
17) Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
16) Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
15) Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image
from flickering.
14) Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through
squeaky part of floor in 10- forward.
13) Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
12) Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side
become too steep for crew to climb.
11) Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2
people on board.
10) Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten
thousand care bears.
9) Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft
macaroni and cheese.
8) Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
7) Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either
stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
6) Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in
Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
5) Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related
problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with
Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
4) Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says
"Pretty please with sugar on it."
3) Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes and
loses access to women's volleyball program.
2) Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are
exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
1) Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

It's a trick, don't spell one word, spell "one word". ;-)

Correct blue eyes

My eyes are blue, thus your answer.

correct.

Turn on switch #1, leave it on for a little bit.

Then turn off switch #1, then turn on switch #2.

Go into the other room.

The light that is on goes to switch #2
The light bulb which is warm goes to switch #1
The light bulb which is cold goes to switch #3

In one room there are 3 light switches, and in a completely seperate room (not visable from the first) are 3 light bulbs. You are in the room with the switches.

Your task to find out which switch turns on which light. (tehy are of course randomly wired)

You can leave the switch room and enter the light bulb room only once.

How do you work out which switch controls which light?

A guy walks into a pub and says to the bar man "a larf of hager and a blass of geer please".The bar man says "pardon"?.The guy repeats his order "larf of hager and blass of geer please".The bar man says "got it,you want a half of lager and a glass of beer,yes"?
"Thats what I said" retorted the customer.
The bar man explained that the guy had a slip of the tongue--a freudian slip and the words came out different to what he had intended.The bar man said to him "don't worry it happens to everybody at some time or other,in fact it happened to me the other morning.I was sitting at the breakfast table with my wife and intended to say to her--would you mind passing me the teapot darling,but I had a slip of the tongue and what I actually said was---You big fat bastard you have ruined my life"
!!!

Two eggs boiling in a saucepan.One egg turns to the other and says "Its getting hot in here".The other egg replies " Wait till they lift you out--they will smash your head in"

A piece of bacon, an egg, and a sausage are frying in the pan. The sausage turns to the piece of bacon and says:
"its getting hot in here."
The bacon turns to the egg and replies:
"Well s**** me, a talking sausage!"

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!

Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL!

I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!

Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Put three coins on one side of the balance scale and three on the other. If one side tips up, the fake is amongst them. If they balance, the fake is one of the three unweighed coins. Weigh two of the three coins known to contain the fake, one on each side of the scale. If the scale rises, the fake is on the high side. If they balance, the unweighed coin is the fake. :-D

        [Road Closed 1 mile]

Wait a minute..what are you sayin, solus? I didn't call you anything

There are 9 seemingly identical coins - but although they look identical one is a counterfeit. The false coin is lighter then the others. Using a balance arm scale ONLY TWICE can you determine which is the false coin?

From the Cat about the Dog

To: Large Human Resident of My Home
From: Her Royal Highness, Princess Feline
Subject: The burdens I must bear

You are my most senior staff member, and by "senior" I mean, of
course, "oldest," because I hold both of your daughters in much higher
regard. This position means you have certain responsibilities,
responsibilities you are not living up to.

Naturally, I am speaking about the dog, who has recently written a
cowardly memo to you in an attempt to spark a revolt in the household.
It was your duty to administer swift and preferably capital
punishment to the insubordinate animal, and your dismal failure in the
matter has led me to craft this letter. This forces me to do
something I am utterly loathe to do--acknowledge your existence. I
must warn you that as a result, I am putting a copy of this memo in
your personnel file.

This whole matter is most unseemly, as the dog lacks standing to
register a complaint of any kind. This is an animal who, when
excited, attempts to make love to the sofa--an animal who, when
allowed outside, rewards us by defecating in our yard!

How often, I ask you, have we been enjoying a lovely evening of our
favorite activity--sitting in front of the television in the family
room, everyone taking turns stroking and worshiping me--only to have
this mutt release a gaseous emission that brings tears to our eyes and
screams of anguish from your children? Of course, you yourself are to
blame here for the bad example you set with your own flatulent
behavior. In fact, there is such a strong link between your initial
discharge and the dog's follow-up volleys that I've come to think of
them as "sympathy farts." You'll never catch a cat performing such an
indelicacy. In my view the both of you should be banished to the
deck--you can watch television and me through the window.

His tendency to bark at the most routine event--such as the ringing
of the doorbell (is this supposed to be some sort of warning? We all
heard the doorbell, for goodness sake!) is most perturbing, as it
interferes with my hobby--bird watching. (I've been observing the
birds in the feeder for more than a year now, and have determined that
most of them can be classified as "edible.")

The only function at which the animal excels is as a pillow for my
mid-late afternoon nap, and sometimes for my early late afternoon nap
as well. Yet even at this he often fails, falling into a restless
state full of leg-twitching and soft yipping. (I know you think he is
dreaming of chasing rabbits, but nothing could be further from the
truth. You know what he is dreaming of? Running from cats, and well
he should. He knows he's in serious trouble with me, you can tell by
the way he slinks around in my presence.)

As a species, canines represent a broken rung on the evolutionary
ladder. Have you ever seen two or more of them mingle together? They
sniff each other in unmentionable places, then race over to lift their
legs on the bushes, proudly strutting around as if they've caught a
mouse or something, when all they've done is urinate on target.

Even worse: I think the fool canine actually likes me. It's probably
because I am so beautiful; but have you ever thought about what it is
like to be licked by that tongue? It's like being wiped down with a
drooling carpet.

In short, the dog has done nothing but cause trouble ever since I,
its replacement as the most beloved animal in the house, arrived to
take the throne. This attempt to violate the chain of command and
appeal to you to stage some sort of peasant uprising is just the
latest affront. We would be much better served if we replaced him
with a pet we would all find more enjoyable and fun.

May I suggest a family of free-range gerbils?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++

The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 2004 http://www.wbrucecameron.com/

An amoeba is a term for someone who makes less than desirable retorts about someone behind their back and can't tell one paramecium from another :P

What precisely are you insinuating Skyking? I'm not an amoeba :b

I have a touch of flu right now, so I found it amusing :o) Luckily everyones sense of humour is different.

That's OK I suspected this reaction..Dano wasn't here to stop me lol

That's just not funny :) Informative, perhaps, a fine idea, maybe, but as a joke, way off the mark.

Say, did ya hear about the guy who lost his left side? He's alright now!

I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...

I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU... I WILL MAKE YOU
ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU MOAN and GROAN. I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR
MERCY... BEG FOR ME TO STOP. I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU
WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH
YOU.
AND YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.
ALL MY LOVE,
THE FLU
Now get your mind out of the gutter...and GO GET YOUR FLU
SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've got it! But I'll PM ya, honcho, so others can play. ;-)

just sec, let me go look in the mirror...

How can you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word?-- There is only one answer.

YOU are driving a bus.Six people get on,three get off,then eight get on and 10 more get off,then six people get off and two more get on.What colour are the driver's eyes ?

i planted some birdseed yesterday. today a bird grew. i dont know what to feed him

i spilled spot remover on my dog. now she's gone

atheism is a non prophet organization

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows them a picture, then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses!"

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses.

Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC ?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Buddhist explanation:
If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has
been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character.
Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers,
numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:
Who cares ? It doesn't really matter if they're on
the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

The Mac user's explanation:
All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to
straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably
see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

Stephen King's explanation:
Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor,
who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood,
then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

The Christian Church's approach to characters:
The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the
light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins.
Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words,
such as "breast," "sex," and contraception."

Dave Barry's explanation:
The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're
made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable,
while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.

IBM's explanation:
The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when
they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to
de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:
You've been DELETING them ??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING ???
Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig !!!!

I'm glad you know who Maxine is skip LOL

I like Mavine's way and maybe Martha will do all the washing and cooking at Alderson "Camp Cupcake"

Martha's Way  
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine's Way  
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet  up eating it, anyway! 
Martha's Way  
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine's Way  
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. 
Martha's Way   
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake
Maxine's Way  
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you. 
Martha's Way   
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Maxine's Way  
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!" 
 Martha's Way  
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine's Way  
Celery? Never heard of it!
Martha's Way  
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine's Way  
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.
Martha's Way  
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine's Way  
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
Martha's Way  
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine's Way  
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
Martha's Way  
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. 
Maxine's Way  
Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO !!!!!.