Summertop: Those guns always go off when you don't want them to LOL

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an
18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about
that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have
an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day
when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit
sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang'
and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

For those who always wondered where they went..

Google Doodle Google Doodle Google Doodle Google Doodle Google Doodle Google

http://tiny.wz.cz/Pics/pic08942.jpg

"Dogs have owners, cats have staff." - Unknown
"To please himself only, the cat purrs." - Irish Proverb

"The last thing I would accuse a cat of is innocence." - Edward Paley (1786- 1847)

"Honest as the Cat when the meat's out of reach." - Old English saying

"There are no ordinary cats." - Colette

"The smallest feline is a masterpiece." - Leonardo da Vinci

"Nothing's more playful than a young cat, nor more grave than an old one." - Thomas Fuller

"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln

yeah, I liked that one!

Summertop: ROFL just what I need to start my day some good humour.

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is



700,000.



(B) Deaths attended by Physicians



per year are



120,000.



(C) Deaths per physician



is



0.171.



Statistics courtesy of



U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



Now think about this:



Guns:



(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.



is



80,000,000.



(Yes, that's 80 million..)



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



accidental gun deaths



per year, all age groups,



is



1,500.



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



The number of accidental deaths



per gun owner



is



.000188



Statistics courtesy of FBI



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



So, statistically, doctors are approximately



9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,



BUT



ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



Please alert your friends



to this



alarming threat.



We must ban doctors



before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!



@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@



Out of concern for the public at large,



I have withheld the statistics on



lawyers



for fear the shock would cause



people to panic and seek medical attention.

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked,"No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a
grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she
heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last
she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

Wife comes in from shopping and sees her hubby swatting flies. "How you doing" she says to him. "Good" he says "I have kiiled two male flies and three female flies" "How did you know the sex of them" she said. "Well two were on the tv and three were on the phone"

lisa56: lololol SPLAT......

lisa56: oh now ive got to go try... be right back....

redfrog: I don't seem to get any more that 600. I've had this for a while. Please don't try to jump without pulling the chute. he he he

lisa56: i got 300 points first round.... poor daffy...

lisa56: cute!

cute: http://www.bassfiles.net/parachute.swf

were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
"She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

A professor gave a big test. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor saw that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

During their silver anniversary, a wife was reminiscing at length to her husband. He nodded a lot and even managed a few "Yes, dear"s but every attempt to add a memory of his own was pushed aside by the arrival of his wife's next thought. Eventually she recalled one of the truly special moments. "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t even speak for an hour?". In the brief pause during which she savoured that moment, the hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was also the happiest hour of my life."

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands
him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more
times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little
old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.

Rose: I know, but this was mid 90's!!!

BananaD: Well, in the 80's I owned a pair myself! haha!
It was the thing to do!

Rose: What a hoot...what about the guy in the newly bought Maserati!!
Scary thing is that I used to date a guy that was Italian and did own a pair of black leather pants and looked good in them!!! Yes, he wore them out in public on more than one occassion.

Rose: Absolutely!!

This is hilarious

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following questions ~

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?


Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that
would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:
BANG!

Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....
(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver
Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

dare I admit to #11?

Backoff: Good one!

You know you live in 2006 when...

1.) you accidentally enter your password on a microwave.










2.) you havent played solitaire with real cards in years.










3.) the reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they dont have a screen name or a myspace.










4.) you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the tv.










6.) your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.










7.) you read this list, & keep nodding and smiling.










8.) as you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends.











9.) and you were too busy to notice number 5.














10.) you actually scrolled back up to check that there was a number 5.











11.) & now youre laughing at your stupidity.

its here:

Hear It

Lyrics

nobleheart: NYUK NYUK NYUK... I know who to vote for now! At least his nonsense in honest.

Curly

run baby run :)

Summertop: hehehe.. Loved it!

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

redfrog: ROFL!!!! I love it!

Redfrog :

I am a senior citizen.

During the Clinton Administration I had a good job.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse because of his policies.

I lost my job.

I lost my home.

I lost my health insurance.

I lost my two sons in that terrible War in Iraq.

As a matter of fact, I've lost virtually everything and become homeless.

Instead of getting some help, I only got arrested.

George W. Bush has to go!

We should do anything that Senators Kennedy, Clinton, and Kerry want to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House with the next election.



Sincerely,

Saddam Hussein

For all the Italians out there, or those who are lucky enough to be married to an Italian, or even to be friends of Italians.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.....

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

Beren the 32nd: snicker
good one!!
I'd LOVE to see SNL do a sketch based on this!

Little Red Riding Hood
The Politically Correct Version
(from http://www.funny-stuff-central.com/redrhood.php)
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.

"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.

"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!

This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.
"I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

...meditated on the true meaning of the season...
and didnt do anything to crazy for new years:
http://www.curiousjosh.com/gallery/albums/seaofdreamsla04/PICT1131.jpg


all the best to everyone in this year.

There's a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub.

Purchase the antidote known as Work-lsolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-AII-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

This virus is DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster
).

Update 1-12-05: After extensive testing it has been concluded that: Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require more generous application.

skipinnz: LOL
looks like navy to me, thats naval weaponry

Maxxina:Are they army or air force cadets
getting hands on experience. LOL

6 5 4 3 2 1 0 launch


http://img454.imageshack.us/img454/5986/kzalpugotov0su.jpg

ROFL~ I love that one every time I read it!

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever
printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....

Please scroll down . .



















Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.